Black Women’s Resentment Towards Their Men Screams Self-Hatred

Dear readers: Please forgive me for this post, but this is something that I feel had to be posted. (Please note: Any variation of “the N-word” is NOT a synonym for “African-American”or “Black.”)
Today, I received an email from a friend of mine, “Jay”, who was bothered by an email she had just received.
The email that “Jay” received:

From: “Kay”

Allow me to vent, if only for a minute: My co-worker’s parents, who are Black, are enduring a nasty divorce and she revealed to me that her mother would prefer that she and her four sisters not date Black men, because Black men are incapable of amounting up!

I was offended when her words touched my ears! Her comment tore me apart. I am not implying that my way of thinking is the only way of thinking but why do black women fail to realize that when they give up on black men they are in so many ways giving up on themselves? Why is it that we hate each other? I dismiss the notion of the white man tore us apart, no we demolish ourselves.

My co-worker has jumped shipped and I didn’t know it!

My love, respect and admiration for Black men runs deeps but my task becomes harder each day as I look to my right, and to my left, and I feel as if I am the only one still standing … but stand I shall … bruised but not broken.

A Black man cannot be replaced! Shame on those who feel otherwise.

“Jay’s” Response to “Kay”:

Damn that’s f—– up! Why would the mother say that? Doesn’t she realize she just dissed her daughter’s daddy, and every male member in their family, including her own daddy?

The relationship didn’t work out, but that doesn’t have anything to do with race. I know plenty of happy Black couples. I don’t know what the f— is wrong with these Sistas. They act like a man of another race can’t f— up either.

That’s that slave mentality! That’s pure self-hatred if I’ve ever heard it. She’s spreading poison by saying that type of s—.

It’s different if you just fall for a guy of another race, but to say some stuff like that is f—— offensive.

My daddy is a damn good man, so is my granddaddy and uncles, who are all married Black men who have not been divorced and take care of their families. Look at Barack Obama.

I agree with “Jay’s” response.

Who would dare say the sons of Kings and Queens are worthless as mates? Do they realize they are saying people like Mandela, Harriet, Malcolm, King, Elijah, Angelou, Bethune, and Dubois were failures?

It’s ridiculous to pass judgment and assume that an entire group, especially when it is hundreds of millions of people, are all the same. Black men have existed since the dawn of mankind. Man still exists so they must have done something correct. They must have provided, protected, guided and helped sculpt us all, so how can you denounce them?

Yes, as with every group of people, there are some bad apples. But don’t go kooky and deem every single African-American man a waste of your time. There are many African-American men would make great husbands, including the President of the United States, who some single African-American women are currently seeking replicas of.  

The co-worker and her mother have what’s called, a “N—– mentality” or a “the N-word mentality” (Attention: Please be aware that this word is NOT a synonym for “African-American” or “Black.”)

People who posses a “N—– mentality”, formerly “Negro (Need-to-Grow) mentality”, are a sick-minded, dysfunctional people who dislike themselves and those look like them. They suffer from a lack of productivity, self-empowerment, logical reasoning, unity, and a slew of other human traits and characteristics that are instilled in the normal person.

Often times they won’t accept help or positive persuasion. Though it continues to frustrate me, I never have allowed myself to give up on people with this sort of mentality. I just pray that they can get better soon.

SabreeThinks sincerely hopes people who have a “N—– mentality” can break the mental chains that keep them enslaved but fears they may be a forever-doomed people.



Filed under Hot-button topics

15 responses to “Black Women’s Resentment Towards Their Men Screams Self-Hatred

  1. Rick

    I think you should add more of your thoughts/opinions to your blog, after all it is “your” blog. SabreeThinks should be more than a one or two sentence excerpt. I’m just sayin’…

    P.S., keep up the good work!

  2. Mona

    Your article titled “Black Women’s Resentment Towards Their Men Screams Self-Hatred” touched me. I usually do not respond to blogs or anything else online. I am a black woman and feel both sides of this coin. I have only had a few relationships with black men because I was taught not to date outside of my race. When I look at the dating pool, people’s morals, and the new attitudes, I am not impressed. People like Barack Obama and some others seem to be an exception, not the rule, in the communities that I have lived. I think people now are more concerned about being athletes, rappers or just being selfish and money hungry. I am so saddened by that. Our fore-fathers have done alot to pave the way for us, and we take things for granted.

    On the other hand, I don’t believe that a parent should say that all black men are worthless. Our black community (men and women) have to face alot of different types of hardships and challenges than other races. We have alot of single parent households, economic and educational disparities and still racism to deal with. Not to mention, the economy making things that much harder. I on the one hand have decided to focus myself on improving me and my kids instead of trying to concentrate on some relationship that could only end in more frustration and denouncement of my self-worth. I think we are in a sad state on all genres. Hopefully we can one day come together as a people and help one another, instead of breaking each other down.

    • Sabree

      Thanks for the comment.
      I’m not at all opposed to interracial dating. I feel that race shouldn’t play a role in deciding a wife/husband. God doesn’t condemn it, so we shouldn’t.
      I am however opposed to the whole “Black men ain’t worth s### so don’t date them.”

  3. cutie

    Interesting topic. As African-American we must face the sterotypes and dysfunctional ideals that smear our sense of self worth with negativity and lessen our growth as individuals and as a group as a whole.

  4. Hey Sabree

    I am digging your blog here. I always look for refreshing ideas on racial topics in particular interracial dating.

    I plan on reading more of your blog.

    Take it easy.

  5. Purple


    You make a good point in implying that the actions of one (or even a few) people should not be taken as symbolic of an entire group of people, but I still have trouble understanding this seeming “need” to defend black men as a whole. Yes, there are some good ones out there, but why should that even have to be pointed out? Why aren’t there so many good ones out there in the first place that we don’t have to hone in on one example and celebrate him as the rarity he is? Why do I have to watch a crowd give a standing ovation (on the BET Music Awards) to a trio of black men who, as children, made promises to one another to go to college – why SHOULDN’T this be expected of them in the first place??? Why are we applauding the fact that we have men in our community and in our families who do take care of their business (as do many other men of other races, but without expecting or needing an acknowledgment of the fact that they are simply doing as a responsible adult should), who do strive to be more than a stereotype, who do actually embrace their blackness to the extent that they don’t deem black women as unworthy? I understand that anything spoken negatively against black men as a whole is an injustice to those who are upstanding citizens, supporting husbands and fathers, and pillars of the community, but when will black women get sick of applauding a man for doing something he’s supposed to do in the first place? I’m not knocking black men; I just don’t understand why we feel the need to bend over backwards to proclaim our support for them, to state that we understand their struggles and that they do have an inherently more difficult time than others, because how often do we see this in the reverse? How many black men actually do stand up and defend us (in a public forum, at least) against the negative stereotypes that pervade black women? How many black male artists have done songs singing our praises, like Angie Stone did about them in her song “Brotha”? Why are we uplifting someone, not to mention WAITING for someone, who seems so readily able to dissociate himself from us, our families, our culture, or even just the proper way for a responsible adult to conduct himself? Rather than address why there are so few “worthy” black men, why do we instead fight over men who are so limited that we sing his praises when we find one who isn’t a felon, on parole, a daddy several times over, a high school dropout, a dealer, more concerned with his rims than being an adult, or who plain refuses to date black women? Why would a black woman be accused of self-hatred if she criticizes the behavior of a black man (although, again, I understand your point that this is not right if she makes a blanket statement that includes every black man), when THEY are the ones who have let their criticism preclude them from associating with us and/or doing right by us in such far greater numbers? Even if they don’t speak their criticism (Polow Da Don comes to mind, as does Yung Berg), the actions of many plainly evidence their unwillingness or inability to show as much pride and love for us as we are being accused of not showing toward them…Why does an adult need someone else to defend him, to proclaim his goodness? Shouldn’t we be focused more on why there are so few men like this that many of us have to point them out singularly (as in, “my brother is a good man” or “my daddy is a good man”)? To state that there are plenty of black men worth our time implies they are the ONLY men worth our time, that we’re doing ourselves a disservice to dare to fall in love with someone else, and that we need to wait for or even fight over the few good apples out there, while setting ourselves up for the possibility that in waiting to find him we’ll miss out on living our lives happily in the meantime.

  6. Dear Purple

    Oh you seem to forgot the whole Motown era sung about black women.

    Secondly, nobody forces black women to date “unworthy” men. That is to imply all “black women” are worthy. I can tell you for a fact that is not true.

    There is deep flaws in black women and black men. I have a problem with an obese black girls throwing stones at black men. The same “measuring stick” you use, can be used against you.

    My thing with your statement is a lot of things these black men acquire is to impress black women. I assuming this because obviously that is part of the goal.

    Now if you are going to gravitate to these men doing the wrong thing. They more than likely will continue to think this works.

    In my lifetime I have never seen black women flock to nerds.

    I know it is hard to believe. I haven’t seen it. I have seen them flock to rappers.

    Good day

    • Purple

      Mr. Queens:

      1. The Motown era. The Motown era? That’s how far back we have to go to find artists who sang something positive about black women? How long will it be until the trend becomes not even specifically singing the praises of black women, but instead black men who overall don’t denigrate black women in song? What other race out there has artists of any sort in the popular media who so regularly and eagerly speak hurtful statements about THEIR own women? (“I’m kinda racist … I don’t like dark butts …. You know how some women prefer light skin men or dark skin men. It’s rare that I do dark butts – that’s what I call dark skinned women … I [don’t date women] darker than me. I love the pool test. If you can jump in the pool exactly like you are and you don’t come out looking better than you looked before going in the pool – then that’s not a good look.” – Yung Berg). There’s nothing wrong with a black man wanting a woman of another race, but is it possible for him to do so without disparaging black women at the same time?

      2. I couldn’t agree with you more that not all black women are worthy; not all of any subset of the population are “worthy” because of the vast diversity in social factors beyond race (education, ability to hold down a steady job, ambition, etc.). But still, the obese comment seems a little beneath the realm of this discussion – comparing people’s size to what makes them tick and how they conduct themselves in the world is completely irrelevant and besides, if this is the worst that can be said about a person, that doesn’t sound too shoddy to me because in some ways it’s a matter of personal taste; some men obviously like their women on the heavy side. And an obese woman is waaaaay worse than (or even comparable to) a drug-dealing, philandering, non-educated, non-goalseeking felon? A woman carrying around extra pounds is fair game for the same scorn normally reserved for a grown man who refuses to, well, grow up and be a responsible and productive member of society?

      3. What reasonable and mature man allows himself to be defined by his possessions/swagger and lets it be known before anything else about him that he’s got money/status, then gets upset when it’s this money/status that attracts the type of women who care only about that aspect of what he has to offer? He should set such goals for his own personal sense of intrinsic satisfaction, so for him to use this to entice women and then be baffled by the gold-digging set chasing after him is completely hypocritical and a little ridiculous.

      And it’s a little much to state that black men acquire various material effects solely to impress BLACK women, because there are plenty out there who make it a life goal to acquire such but nevertheless refuse to date black women. How many times have we heard about athletes and other celebs who grew up dating black women but the second they hit the big time, sign the big contract, or start to get a little media attention, they run out and get the trophy girlfriend or wife who, by default these days, is a white woman? THAT is more of a status symbol these days than anything he could own, drive, or flash.

      4. You’re right, though, in saying that women reinforce the behavior of the “unworthy” by continuing to date them and even fight over them. But in the end, your “obese black girls” throwing stones comment sums up my entire point…something negative in a black woman is A-OK in someone else. I think we all know that an obese white woman could have about half a dozen black men willing to fight over. Most times I see an obese white woman pushing a stroller or carrying a child, it’s a pretty safe bet that those kids are half-black. A few extra pounds must be acceptable, or even downright sexy, just as long as her rolls, cankles, and jiggling doesn’t come in darker shades…

      • Dear Purple

        Rock musicians made a living exploiting white women in their videos. Motown had a long run singing about black women.

        Rap music has only been around 20 years I think. The music changed during the 90s with snoop and the bitches and hos situation. A direct effect of the crack epidemic that has black women selling their body for drugs and their child put into foster care.

        You have to expect black boy children to have rage. It manifest itself in the music, even more they always talk about murdering a nigga or something on their songs 90 percent of the time.

        That Young Berg interview was provoked by the interviewer who said she does not date black men or men in the industry. He responded back to her. Since he is a star and she is not. Basically they hung him for that comment. You have to read the context of the interview. Young berg has his own problems with thugs trying to rob him and beat him.

        The obese comment is relevant in the context that black women accuse black men of not being on their level. They have the inability to see their own flaws. That is why I mentioned it. Now if black women want to date outside their race. White men have said they don’t full figured women black or white.

        I never hear any anger towards them. It’s a double edge sword black men have encouraged black women to be curvy and borderline obese. So point taken.

        Every man is defined by “work” that is the world we live in. White men carry that burden because they are “expected to be successful”. Black men become successful it either “luck” or “dating the right person”. Their family got money blah blah. In my years of dating I have heard it all.

        I tell black women I became successful off hard work not no luck. Personally I think black women are intimidated by successful black men because they think you are dating a white woman or your parents got money. Either way I dismiss the comments and keep doing what I do. I won’t apologize for wanting nice things. Like Floyd Mayweather said ” I ain’t finna to work for free”. I worked for free “from 16 years old to 22”.

        Gold diggers, unless you are rich they are no gold diggers. The average black man that thinks a black woman wants your benefits from a bullshit job is sadly confused. I am not rich so I see no gold diggers. Eventually when I do become “rich”. I will treat them accordingly. Most men know they are with a gold digger , their are low self esteem men and insecure and lonely men.

        As for athletes Rasheed Wallace, Chauncy Billups, Eric Snow, Michael Jordan, Kobe Byrant (hispanic woman) Ron Artest, Tayshuan, Ocho Cinco, Terrell Owens, Jerome Bettis. I can go on how many black men are with black women. What’s your excuse now? I mean you wonder why black men talk to other “races of women”. You always hating on the side. Get in the game and get an athlete black man.

        As for obese white women. I don’t particular care for them. My woman is black and quarter puerto rican. I never found white women that particular attractive. They would have to be a model or close to it if I choose to date outside my race.

        You made good points.

  7. NBW

    mr.laurelton queens,

    did i read that correctly? the athletes u named are with black women? Ocho, MJ and T.O are all with white women..right along with scottie, barkley, richard jefferson, desmond mason..etc, etc..the list goes on!
    I cringe everytime I look at the playoff celebrations, cause majority of the team got interracial families.

    This is destroying our blk family/community.. Ocho got 5kids by 5 different women and I think that they are all by black hes left these kids with a negative image of a black man..
    Ocho did a live show on ustream about this same topic a couple of days ago.

    black men dont know how we feel, because they dont have to go through it. I guartnee if us black women starting dating/marrying white men and dogging black men out, they would be in an uproar!
    I dont care who they date,at the end of the day..guys are guys, i know yall try to conquer every ethnicity..
    i just get angry at the guys who are dogging out black women..ok, if u ran into a few bad ones, keep searching until u find a good one..dont abandon the whole race!
    ocho even alluded to the fact that non black women are passive…they are with these women for all of the wrong reasons.

  8. Dear NBW

    You blame these famous black men when the issue should fall on black women that willingly get involved with them. Nobody sticks a gun to their head to date an athlete. They are notorious for cheating but black women get involved anyway.

    Black women are currently trying to do out black men with these sellout blogs about dating white men. The problem is white men are not really “on board” like they claim they are.

    I don’t think famous black men are destroying the black community. These black women or baby mothers are not on welfare. They live rather good off the NBA and NFL money if they have a baby by the guy.

    Morality wise you may have a point. Again I don’t have sympathy for some black women that knew what these men were like.

    You never mentioned Eric Snow, Rasheed Wallace, Chauncy Billups, Ray Allen. Married to black women. I mean it is like you don’t give credit to the black men that stay with black women. Ron Artest too, I mean this is crazy.

    Are they uplifting their community? All of them are but nobody cares. They got charities and their wives are involved in their lives.

  9. Norriscool

    Same old tired remarks from bw, heres the truth a lot of bw are wife material, look closely, you see a lot women with tatoos, baby daddies on crack, welfare attitude problems, look at all of the bw doing porn online, thats a shame , dont tell ww are doing it to, if ww were eating dog mess would you?

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